10 Habits Helping Me Raise Confident and Independent Kids

It’s classic, isn’t it?
That question,  “Am I doing enough?”

Having children ten years apart, there are moments, often, where I wish I could go back and do things differently with my first child, the way I do with my second.
There are times when my firstborn will react the same way as my toddler, and I can’t blame him,  because I think to myself, I handled this differently back then, so of course he’s going to act like this now.

And then I remember,  I have the power to do that right now.
And you know what? It makes a difference.

I realise they’re teaching us how to be what they need.
Once we get the lesson, it clicks,  it all falls into place.
And their confidence and independence mean we get to spend less time worrying, and more time feeling gratitude.

So here are 10 things I’ve learned along the way about raising confident and independent kids,  and seeing the proof in front of my eyes is so amazing, I just had to share it with you.

10 Habits Helping Me Raise Confident and Independent Kids

1

Create accessible spaces

Low-down pegs to hang their own bags and coats, wardrobes they can access themselves, and drawers where they can reach their things easily.
It might seem small, but giving them physical access to their world gives them confidence. When they can get ready on their own, they start to see themselves as capable, and that feeling carries into everything else they do.

2

Let them choose their own clothes and styles

Why even create more battles when some battles aren’t even good for either of you? And yes, I know, we can worry about what people will think if they don’t leave the house looking perfect. But the phrase “I just love toddler fashion” has gotten me some very sweet smiles with my daughter.
And now, my 13-year-old son has a wonderful dress sense, and you know what’s the best part about it? The way he wears it with confidence.

3

Establish enjoyable routines together

Think back to your childhood and some of your happiest memories. I’ll take a guess that at least one of them was something you did more than once, probably even regularly.
These little routines build so much safety and enjoyment in your child, which they’ll carry with them. You’re helping them learn how to have a natural flow and regulation.

I shared some of our favorite routines in my post on Morning Rituals for Connecting with Your Kids.

4

Invite them to join in with jobs

Shift from a demand into an invite, and you’re helping your child see the happiness and pride they can get from looking after their environment.
I really notice this now when my children enjoy cleaning their rooms and take pride in it. It occurred to me that that’s the one chore I always enjoyed doing with them. It’s really made me try to find joy in other jobs with them too.
My daughter loves to help me wash and prepare food; my son loves to help cut the grass.
Connection builds happy associations with tasks.

5

Give them the same predictable age related resposibilites

I start with small things, building these habits is what will set them up for their future. I haven’t always known this, and I wasn’t taught it.
But for example, my daughter loves to always put her shoes in the same place. She loves to give the dogs their food.
I’m seeing how this helps them know their contribution is important, and it becomes routinely built in for them, which helps them learn organization.

6

Validate and encourage problem solving

We have the ability to literally set our children up for thinking in solutions instead of problems. And just imagine how much this sets them apart, being independent and confident.
Little one spills something? No worries, ask her what we can do about it. Teenager gets into a fight? It happens, brainstorm how to manage conflict.

7

Show compassion while you hold boundaries

Boundaries and compassion are not opposites.
I didn’t quite understand this with my son, and I’m now facing the backlash of it. When I say no, he has big reactions, and it takes a while to help him regulate.
With my daughter, though, I was a little more clued up. I’d say, “We can’t have an ice lolly for breakfast. I know you really want to, I would too if I was a little girl.” And it’s not always easy.
But something happened today that made me realise it’s all worth it.
She got upset when I held a boundary earlier, and instead of storming off and shouting at me, she cried, looked at me, and fell into my arms.
Seeing her run toward me instead of away from me when I set a boundary really let me experience the beauty of how compassion and boundaries both equal love.

8

Notice the little things

Yeah, obviously it’s lovely when you notice the bigger things, the test scores, the race they won.
But I’ll tell you what really makes us all feel seen: it’s what we do in those quiet moments, when no one is watching (or we think they’re not).
Imagine your parent, the person you love the most, noticing your attention to that small detail, the way you stayed a little longer to work on that project you care about, or how you backed up your friend when they were feeling insecure.
That ther, that’s their magic.

9

Allow them to need you

In this culture, we’re so preoccupied with rushing our children on to the next stage, wanting them to appear so much older, when the beauty of anything is appreciating where it is right now.
Allowing our children to need us is what builds their sense of worth, confidence, and ability.
Don’t let anyone tell you that welcoming your toddler with warm, loving arms when they climb into bed with you at night is wrong.
Because you’ll be the one with tears of pride when your teenager runs to you when they’re overwhelmed or going through something, not away from you.

10

Allow them to not need you

And yes, this goes hand in hand with the powerful one before, because the more you allow them to need you, the more they’ll end up not needing you.
You’re helping them build those big, beautiful, strong, independent, and confident wings.
And you, my wonderful parent, get to sit back, tears of pride, and watch them use them.